what i eventually told him:

i'm sorry for not being able to make you happy.

the part i didn't:

so,

hate me,

depise me.

And if you really have to...

then..

bury me.

fact is.

how do u make someone feel u care?

i've been told time and again.. so i must really sux at it, big-time.

like he said, i've juz been living in my own world, being my usual self-centered self, with zero tolerance towards anyone who threatens to get in e way.. or pinning all e blame on e innocent passerby when sth goes irkly wrong, all e time knowing dat there's nth to get out of it.. all executed in a matter-of-factly manner, without e slightest hesitation..

but i also can't help thinking..could it b dat i really cant care, like i'm missing a part of wat's supposedly natural to other human beings.. dat'll be convenient..

wat's wrong with me?

lost..

maybe i shd really be alone.. n it's no longer a matter of whether i like it anot..

melancholy is my drug

truth is..

i'm either damaged or damned..

when nth seems to be able to make u happy or fulfilled.. but e melancholy itself.. it's addictive..

《遗忘》

似乎有点羡慕男主角，没有记忆的包袱。开场时所叙述的“生活简单，交往单纯”，固然有些单调，对我却又有种略带病态的刺激与吸引力。

凡事不必太费劲，反正先天的缺陷已经排除的努力的需要， 这样似乎反而容易让事情坦然地经过，人也自然活得轻松、潇洒的多。

当然我这个观点的前提，似乎也取决于故事中有个为了赎罪而甘于时刻守候在主角身边，在需要的时候，扶他一把的女配角。主角在接受这个人付出的同时，却完全不需要有所回应，因为先天就已经决定了他不能有所回应，而当然对方是知道的，所以也应该不会有太多的期盼。

于是，主角的日子可以一天天照过，尽管是种有缺憾的生活，却也不用紧，因为他原本就无法太具体地认清生活中的这点缺憾。这样一来，似乎反而成就了一种完美，虽然是交织着某种病态的完美。

可能这就是我向往、甚至需要的完美？

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p.s: 为什么篇名取为《迷迭香》，会更喜欢呢？因为《檞寄生》吗？

情怀

《回眸》对我而言讲的是一种情怀。

故事的情节是一种情怀。

歌曲也是。

时光、地点、景物皆是。

或许，我需要做到的是学会将过去的情景提升为一种情怀。将其精神化，好比嬉皮士、巴洛戈、art deco这般的一种情怀，才可能解下缺憾的包袱，更客观地、不沉溺地玩味鉴赏。

"回憶再怎麼美好，也應小心收藏在角落。
緊抱著過去回憶的人，無法飛向未來。"

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"人生就像等待船舶進港的過程。
歷經大海的風浪後，船舶終於駛進港區，順著航道緩緩前進。
船舶越走越慢，搖晃幅度越來越小。
最終停止，下錨，不再漂泊。


然而在大海的風浪中，船舶會渴望進港停泊；
一旦進港下錨後，卻會懷念起海面上的風浪。"

原来,如此罢了。

回眸

is going to grad sch a means of taking a leave of absence from life?.. subconsciously.. was this sth i would have desired?

been stuck in retrospect for e most of e past 2 weeks.. perhaps it's e holidays season, xmas n e end of another year.. new yr's juz round e corner.. need to get out of indulgent mood soon.. but am having a real hard time pulling myself away..

y is e will losing out to e heart?..

wat is the outcome i would have desired anyway?

i wonder...

不能再这样陷下去了，不然会愈抽离那些现实中、实在的握在手的，到头来岂不得不偿失吗？

It's not like anything will come out of it anyway..



那么，我还在迟疑什么呢?

"It's like a waltz, isn't it?" --Honey and Clover

Waltz

Description: 1st ending theme

Vocals: Suneohair
Lyrics, Music: Watabe Kenji
Arrangement: Suneohair

Original / Romaji Lyrics + English Translation
Akanai mabuta kosutte mieru
Pasuteru moyou no mirai ni
Chiribamerareta kigou wo tadoru
Taguriyoseta hyoujou

Rubbing my unopened eyelids, I can see
Into a pastel-patterned future
I'll pursue an inlaid symbol
My expression one of reeling it in close

Nee, nan dakke sagashite ita mono
Are ha, sou ne itsu dakke
Bokura ga inryoku ni sakarainagara deatta koro

Say, what was it that I've been searching for?
When, let me think, was it?
That we met as we defied gravity

Sore ha warutsu no you da ne fushigi sa
Sasayaku you na komorebi no kousaten de
Futari warutsu no you ni ne mawarinagara
Egakidashite yuku mono

It's like a waltz, isn't it? So wondrous
At a crossroad lit with sunbeams seeming to whisper through the trees
As the two of us rotate as if in a waltz,
We express ourselves

Atatamesugita omoi wo zenbu
Hakidashite mieru randosukeepu
Hantoshi ijou kusuburaseteru
Imeeji ni hi wo tomoshite

Throwing up all my overheated emotions,
I could see the landscape
Over half a year ago, I made it smolder
By setting the image on fire

Nan dakke nakushite shimatta mono
Soredemo iinda tte
Bokura no inryoku de hikiai motomeau no darou

What was it that I've lost?
Even so, I'm fine, I tell you
We'll probably seek out comparisons with our gravity

Sore ha warutsu no you da ne suteki sa
Tsubuyaku you na saezuri kikinagara
Marude warutsu no you ni ne futari ga
Egakidashite yuku mono

It's like a waltz, isn't it? So lovely
As we listen to chirps that seem to murmur
As if we're dancing a waltz, the two of us
Express ourselves

Aa, toboketa genjitsu mo genshoku de nurikaete shimae
Hikiyosete ageru kara nee
Soko kara odoritsudzukeyou
Futari dake no warutsu

Ah, repaint reality, which is playing dumb, with primary colors
I'll draw you close to me, so, please
From there on, let's continue to dance
Our very own waltz

Sore ha warutsu no you da ne fushigi sa
Sasayaku you na komorebi no kousaten de
Futari warutsu no you ni ne mawarinagara
Egakidashite yuku mono

It's like a waltz, isn't it? So wondrous
At a crossroad lit with sunbeams seeming to whisper through the trees
As the two of us rotate as if in a waltz,
We express ourselves

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They coined it a slice-of-life anime. I like it's bittersweetness, peppered with the occasional comedic moments. I guess I haven't outgrown the angst of growing up, of what's life shd b abt etc.. or maybe that's just sth one can nva grow out of..

As the ferris wheel turns...Why do I repeat the same mistake, over and over again?...

It's like a waltz, isn't it?

p.s: it's been a long while, i noe...