要相信 says 吴韦材 but can i?

　 要相信。要相信一切的好。
　　可以认识仍有坏的存在。但一定要相信一切的好。
　　无论是自己曾拥有过的，或只是知道其存在但自己并不拥有的，都得相信。
　　一个果实可以因为种种原因而最终腐烂。但我不会忘记它曾经就由一颗再普通不过的种子里长出来。我不会忘记它也曾经天真无邪地发芽。曾经充满信心地展开枝叶。更曾经尽了它最大能量去成长为一粒果实。或许，活到今天我也已经看过不少的各类腐朽，但我从不至于因此就不相信世上所有曾经有过的美好。
　　不怕有人笑我，我就是那种一直天真地相信美好而且相信终究有天我或许也能拥有美好的人。当然，能否真达到那个美好那我不知道。这谁也都无法知道。
　　但这样地相信至少能磨练出我对生活的一点耐性。至少，我懂得如何去等。也就因为相信，我等候的同时也就能从一个比较光亮的角度去把一切看得玲珑清澈些，也看得赏心悦目些。
　　人生到头亦不过瞬息一霎，当然不一定就能等到的，但有时做人只要能看得到，那就是快乐和喜悦了。
　　坏当然是存在的。因为坏也是自然的组成。但假如一直耿耿于怀地记着坏的存在，那么日子一定很难过。为何永乐大钟需要铸上那么密密麻麻的佛经？那些喜欢锦上添花的历史当然会给予种种美丽解释。但我认为，朱棣是以为自己看到不干净的东西了。他一定是越看越觉得自己手上血迹像一张张洗不掉的脸。朱棣对坏付出过多的虔诚。因此一个精神分裂的皇帝终久也被自己深信不疑的罪孽击败，虽然，他或许也有过许多的好，但在人性的房室里，他即便权力再大，结果都没能力打开那扇能够透光的窗。
　　记得《阅微堂》专栏里，我在写“欢镜听先生替死囚写遗书”这件事时，脑子旁侧仿佛另有不同的触动，但这触动当时却不甚清晰。后来新京报记者给了我欢先生电话，我也没敢打去问他，现在听说姜宁和汇缤想上来拍纪录片，真那样的话这次我一定会问欢先生，在他长期与这些死囚的近距离接触中，死囚除感到自己的惋惜与遗憾已经来得太迟，可有在那最终一刻，也相信了生命曾有过没亏待他们的美好？
　　这问题确实不好问，人到了那最后一刻才发现自己原来从没真正相信过美好，是自己对自己最残忍的事。
　　无法相信美好是危险的。美好其实是片一直存在的亮光。无法相信这片亮光的存在，种种阴暗的想法就会侵蚀而来。
　　当然，谁都知道这世上仍有坏人坏事，但只要相信终会遇上好人好事，那才能活得愉快些。
　　我想人对自己也是如此。我必须先相信自己拥有做好的能力，相信自己也有达到美好的机会，那么我才能发动对生命那份激情与热爱的力量。
　　Must have faith.
　　连一颗种子都懂得光亮重要，因为它能全然相信。
　　也只有处于这相信之上，一切的“希望”，才能发芽。

简桥－不自杀约定书

台湾教育部长杜正胜，越来越是一个难以理喻的人。他最近竟发函给台湾各县市，要求小学及初中老师，找出有自杀倾向的学生，要他们签“自杀约定书”，以防止他们自杀。同时，他也以评量表给教师，要教师了解学生，“会用什么方式自杀？”“打算在什么时候自杀？”
　　台湾社会因此哗然。他们的教师、家长，纷纷指责杜正胜，把教师当成“算命先生”。
　　自来我们都以为，世界上自杀率最高的国家是日本，到了去年7月间，台湾的在野党，指责总统陈水扁执政以来，民不聊生，导致自杀率不断飙升。这才知道，原来台湾人不想活的，越来越多。可是陈水扁当时立刻辩称：“台湾自杀人数，从全世界排名来说，还落在韩国和大陆后面。而且在大陆，自杀是第五大死亡原因。在台湾只排在第九。”
　　我们不管排名第几，总之，自杀这回事，台湾是榜上有名的。
　　在新加坡、包括在马来西亚的报纸上，我们甚少读到台湾人自杀的新闻。这可能是他们之中，自杀的人太多了，多到不成其为新闻。所以，去年我去向一位台湾朋友请教。他说：“台湾人自杀的事，无时无之。许多时候不是一个人自杀，而是一家人集体自杀。所以一死六七人、八九人的事，时有所闻。原因是生活没有着落，只好一死了之。有的是赌到债台高筑，有的是家庭失和、有的是事业受到重大的挫折。学生自杀的也有，有的是学业成绩太差、有的是爱情起了变化、有的是父母感情破裂……总之，台湾的问题很多、很多。”
　　这些，其实都必须从辅导入手，而不是只要学生签下“不自杀约定书”，就能保证平平安安。
　　然而，教育部长杜正胜却说：“当学生的情绪产生变化，行为有异常时，希望能够发挥提早预防的功能。”
　　原来，预防学生自杀，只靠签名，就可以保证。这样的教育部长，我也会当。

最后的斯德哥尔摩－阿龙

斯德哥尔摩的记忆是橘红色以及灰白色穿插其间的一组蒙太奇。秋冬季节走入了瑞典首都，迎面而来的尽是火红的秋色上演。这个由群岛所组成的城市，临着海水展现秋季的颜色。
　　夹着秋季尾巴的总是头顶上那灰白的天空。怎甩都甩不掉。阴霾的天气、微雨绵绵的天色总是无可避免。
　　北欧的温度偏低，可是它却留给我永不降温的温暖记忆。一晃，9个年头就这样过去了。M的斯德哥尔摩还是常常带来莫名的回音。感觉好像才刚认识M，好像还刚沉浸在斯德哥尔摩的秋色中。
　　那年，在老城兜了不知多少圈，就是找不到某一尊塑像。M便走了过来，伸出援手。那个时候，她正赶着完成某一项工作，却走了过来，还自告奋勇地要当我的导游。一向不怎么喜欢跟着“导游”走一个地方，因为很多时候总是从一个地方赶到另一个地方，结果只是流于表面的认识。一个人缓慢的步伐才能让那个地方的回忆清晰无比。
　　望着M，我突然心血来潮，想展开另一种方式的旅程。于是，我们约定隔天在老城会面。那一刻，我知道我将失去与斯德哥尔摩近距离认识的机会。
　　开着车子，我们跑过了斯德哥尔摩的秋天，也离开市中心进入了郊区。午餐时间一到，我们便停在湖边吃午餐。
　　与其说我在游览斯德哥尔摩，不如说这是一段我们在游览彼此角度的旅程。我看着M焦虑地让我在所剩的时间内看尽斯德哥尔摩，这是一段我陪她重拾她城市的旅程，也是一段她从我旅客角度中看到她过去的自己。于是，这一段旅程，我们都从旁观者的角色中获得了无比的满足感，甚至比认识这个地方更有收获。
　　M是过来人，所以才能让她在所错失的体会中尽量弥补我所可能会遇到的错失，才能在她所犯过的错误中体会我的角度，才能知道在一霎那交汇之后可能是永别的开始，所以在她的能力范围内尽量不让我有所遗憾。
　　是的，斯德哥尔摩给我的记忆有点浮光掠影，却又那么的刻骨铭心。

if you are thinking about suicide......................................................read this first

If you are feeling suicidal now, please stop long enough to read this. It will only take about five minutes. I do not want to talk you out of your bad feelings. I am not a therapist or other mental health professional - only someone who knows what it is like to be in pain.
I don’t know who you are, or why you are reading this page. I only know that for the moment, you’re reading it, and that is good. I can assume that you are here because you are troubled and considering ending your life. If it were possible, I would prefer to be there with you at this moment, to sit with you and talk, face to face and heart to heart. But since that is not possible, we will have to make do with this.
I have known a lot of people who have wanted to kill themselves, so I have some small idea of what you might be feeling. I know that you might not be up to reading a long book, so I am going to keep this short. While we are together here for the next five minutes, I have five simple, practical things I would like to share with you. I won’t argue with you about whether you should kill yourself. But I assume that if you are thinking about it, you feel pretty bad.
Well, you’re still reading, and that’s very good. I’d like to ask you to stay with me for the rest of this page. I hope it means that you’re at least a tiny bit unsure, somewhere deep inside, about whether or not you really will end your life. Often people feel that, even in the deepest darkness of despair. Being unsure about dying is okay and normal. The fact that you are still alive at this minute means you are still a little bit unsure. It means that even while you want to die, at the same time some part of you still wants to live. So let’s hang on to that, and keep going for a few more minutes.
Start by considering this statement:
“Suicide is not chosen; it happenswhen pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.”
That’s all it’s about. You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal. It doesn’t even mean that you really want to die - it only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. If I start piling weights on your shoulders, you will eventually collapse if I add enough weights... no matter how much you want to remain standing. Willpower has nothing to do with it. Of course you would cheer yourself up, if you could.
Don’t accept it if someone tells you, “that’s not enough to be suicidal about.” There are many kinds of pain that may lead to suicide. Whether or not the pain is bearable may differ from person to person. What might be bearable to someone else, may not be bearable to you. The point at which the pain becomes unbearable depends on what kinds of coping resources you have. Individuals vary greatly in their capacity to withstand pain.
When pain exceeds pain-coping resources, suicidal feelings are the result. Suicide is neither wrong nor right; it is not a defect of character; it is morally neutral. It is simply an imbalance of pain versus coping resources.
You can survive suicidal feelings if you do either of two things: (1) find a way to reduce your pain, or (2) find a way to increase your coping resources. Both are possible.
Now I want to tell you five things to think about.
1
You need to hear that people do get through this -- even people who feel as badly as you are feeling now. Statistically, there is a very good chance that you are going to live. I hope that this information gives you some sense of hope.
2
Give yourself some distance. Say to yourself, “I will wait 24 hours before I do anything.” Or a week. Remember that feelings and actions are two different things - just because you feel like killing yourself, doesn’t mean that you have to actually do it right this minute. Put some distance between your suicidal feelings and suicidal action. Even if it’s just 24 hours. You have already done it for 5 minutes, just by reading this page. You can do it for another 5 minutes by continuing to read this page. Keep going, and realize that while you still feel suicidal, you are not, at this moment, acting on it. That is very encouraging to me, and I hope it is to you.
3
People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling. And you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead.
4
Some people will react badly to your suicidal feelings, either because they are frightened, or angry; they may actually increase your pain instead of helping you, despite their intentions, by saying or doing thoughtless things. You have to understand that their bad reactions are about their fears, not about you.
But there are people out there who can be with you in this horrible time, and will not judge you, or argue with you, or send you to a hospital, or try to talk you out of how badly you feel. They will simply care for you. Find one of them. Now. Use your 24 hours, or your week, and tell someone what’s going on with you. It is okay to ask for help. Try:
Send an anonymous e-mail to The Samaritans
Call 1-800-SUICIDE in the U.S.
Teenagers, call Covenant House NineLine, 1-800-999-9999
Look in the front of your phone book for a crisis line
Call a psychotherapist
Carefully choose a friend or a minister or rabbi, someone who is likely to listen
But don’t give yourself the additional burden of trying to deal with this alone. Just talking about how you got to where you are, releases an awful lot of the pressure, and it might be just the additional coping resource you need to regain your balance.
5
Suicidal feelings are, in and of themselves, traumatic. After they subside, you need to continue caring for yourself. Therapy is a really good idea. So are the various self-help groups available both in your community and on the Internet.
Well, it’s been a few minutes and you’re still with me. I’m really glad.
Since you have made it this far, you deserve a reward. I think you should reward yourself by giving yourself a gift. The gift you will give yourself is a coping resource. Remember, back up near the top of the page, I said that the idea is to make sure you have more coping resources than you have pain. So let’s give you another coping resource, or two, or ten...! until they outnumber your sources of pain.
Now, while this page may have given you some small relief, the best coping resource we can give you is another human being to talk with. If you find someone who wants to listen, and tell them how you are feeling and how you got to this point, you will have increased your coping resources by one. Hopefully the first person you choose won’t be the last. There are a lot of people out there who really want to hear from you. It’s time to start looking around for one of them.
Now: I’d like you to call someone.
And while you’re at it, you can still stay with me for a bit. Check out these sources of online help.

叶孝忠－老照片

● 叶孝忠

　　回上海前，翻箱倒柜找些童年照片。过去作文总用泛黄来形容老照片，现在才看清楚泛黄到底是怎样的颜色，其实老照片也会泛红或泛蓝，但黄色总让人感觉温暖，正如消逝的回忆。

我们这一代人是怀旧热潮的消费者。在msn上喜欢放上童年照的也多是这一族群。处于而立和不惑之年的人最容易听见生命的警报，他们似乎了解了一些玄机，生命却剩下了一半，未来变得可以预测。这种可预知的未来总让人感到无趣而不再有所期待，改变不了现状的也只能往来时路张望，看看自己的过去，发现过去比未来显得更为有趣。

照片是回忆银行的支票，让我们兑现一些已经快遗失的记忆。回忆能轻易骗人，但童年的照片总向我们一五一十报告过去发生的一切。那些照片几乎都是全景图，完全没有艺术的角度，没有景深，也没有深刻主题，主题往往就是那5岁10岁中学高中的自己，天真灿烂，那时候的自己从不会想到自己有那么一天也会变成大人，变得面目有点可憎，说话有点俗气。那时候从来不知道什么叫过日子，还没有真正感受到岁月如梭就在作文里使用这些“老人词”，以为人可以这样轻轻松松的活下去，从没想过人生最大的不快乐就是不知道自己要些什么？或知道了自己要什么，却无法去追求。焦虑和不安，原来才是生命的真实面目。

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很贴切，人大了，发觉自己经常会不自觉地缅怀过去。
尤其最后两句，是越来越能体会了……

阿龙－听 Lisbon Story

　● 阿龙


电影不是充塞时间单位的一个工具。
　　那晚碰上了Wim Wender，心存感激。感谢他通过电影的空间丰富了自己那以后的时间单位。
　　Wim Wender 94年的作品，名为 Lisbon Story，故事由一封寄自里斯本的明信片开始，实际上却无关里斯本。
　　片名Lisbon Story有几个诠释的角度：电影场景发生在里斯本主角Friedrich所摄制的电影就叫Lisbon Story，而这个Story又可通过收音师Winter的听觉角度去听这个“故事”，电影中也时不时听到葡萄牙诗人佩索阿的诗句精简地陈述着整部电影的主题。
　　一张不知已经寄出了多久的明信片来到德国，急切地要求Winter带着所有家当赶到里斯本。
　　Friedrich正在摄制一部关于里斯本的电影，需要Winter配声。一人用眼睛捕捉里斯本的风采，一人则用耳朵聆听里斯本。Winter抵达时，Friedrich 却不知踪影。
　　Wim Wender本身也举办过摄影展，会用眼睛讲故事。在这部电影里，他用耳朵来捕捉镜头。
　　Winter在等待朋友回来之际，每天提着收音器到处收音。在别人眼里似乎是无所事事的举动，他却沉醉在声的世界中。声音感动了他。他循着声音，还找到了他的爱。
　　不过，电影最重要的主角不是声音而是时间。穿插电影其间的佩索尔诗句隐约却强而有力地带出了值得玩味的时间主题。电影中的时间好像在前进，却又像在后退。Lisbon Story的制作已完成了。Winter重返拍摄现场以自己的角度去收音，访问镜头底下的人……Winter重拾Friedrich的拍摄脚步，时间好像往后退。电影中播出了Friedrich的电影，而Friedrich电影中又听到了Winter声音的故事。时间在葡萄牙的歌唱小组Madredeus展出天籁般的声音时停顿了下来……时间是否存在？哪一刻才是真实的？
　　每个人都在试图捕捉真实的一刻。然而，诚如佩索阿的诗句问道：真实的一刻能否捕捉得到？所谓的真实会不会只是一种复制的结果而已？
　　有些电影随着故事情节的结束而完结，一些电影故事则像个过程。即使剧终，一切似乎才要开始。Lisbon Story便是如此。

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still reading the bk of disquiet by pesso, mayb i shd watch this movie......

wat if i'm tryin to b sth i'm not...

n if so, how and when would one noe?

a fren once said, a choice is right as long as u believed it to be so,

if dat is true, den i guess e qn becomes:

when does one decide to stop deluding oneself?

when is enuff really enuff?

n isnt life too short to spend deluding oneself for too long?